Act 3, Scene 4 - Poke Fritham Concludes

- Stage: The Castle's Main Hall
- Setting: Color
- Section:
- Puppets:
- Props: Spray Can
- Music:
- SFX:


AMB-11 - Castle without Storm

Lights on

The Butler cleans up the room with a cleaning rag, humming merrily.

Butler: "Dumm-dee-dum-dee-dumm ... dumm...deee.... DUMM??"

The Butler bumps into the dead body and startles.

The Butler sniffs at the body.

Butler: "ARRRRGH!"

The Butler coughs and gags.

The Butler produces a large spray can, and sprays the body.


The Butler sniffs the body again.

Butler: "Ah-haaa!"

The Butler sniffs the body again.

Butler: "Dumm-dee-dum-dee-dumm ... "

SFX-1102 - Doorbell "Mika Style"

Butler jumps in shock.

Butler: "WAaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!"

SFX-1103 - Door Banging

Officer: "This is the police! Open the door! Immediately!"

Butler (silent, to himself): "Uh oh! The police! So soon? That's not good ... not good at all ..."

Butler (loud, to Officer): "I'm coming! Just a moment!"

Butler runs to the dead body, wipes it a few times with the cloth.

SFX-1104 - Iku-iku-iku

Officer: "Okay, you have been warned! I'm going to break the door! One ..."

Butler throws the rag over the stage railing, and runs

Butler: "No wait! Wait!"

Officer: "Two!!!!"

Butler: "I'll open! "

Officer: "Threee!!!"

SFX-1105 - Door Opens

Officer appears, running past the butler.

Officer: "Aaaaaaah"

Officer trips over the dead body, and crashes down


Lori, Poke and Mika come in, going "Oh my god" and "what happened" and "aaah!, all at the same time.

They all stand around the dead body, looking down.

Lionel: "Hello? Mr. Police Officer? Are you okay?"

Police officer drags himself up, groaning.

Officer: "Sir, should there ever be another murder in your house again in the future, could you please do me a favour and open the door in time? Thank you."

Butler: "Oh! My dear guests! You are back! Thank goodness! Oh, and finally, the police! I'm so glad to see you, Officer! My name is James Canterbury, I'm the butler in this house."

Officer: "Mr. Scruffycat, is that him?"

Lionel: "Yes sir, that's him. He and Mika saw the body first."

Officer: "All right then, James, I'm very interested in hearing your version of the story."

James: "Story? Oh, yes! It happened yesterday! I was preparing the rooms for our guests when I heard the gunshots! I ran down the stairs as fast as I could! The first thing I saw was the Lord, lying on the floor. Then I saw ... HER! She stood there, bent over his dead body! I immediately knew that she was the killer! She said she came through the window to help, but who would believe a CAT? Then the rest of the party arrived. I couldn't send them away because of the storm, so I showed them their rooms. What other choice did I have?"

Officer: "Hmmm, your recount matches what the others have said. Unfortunately, it also confirms my suspicions about you, Mrs. Mika Saesucasa."

Officer turns to Mika

Officer: "You were the first person at the crime scene, standing right next to the victim, after having gained unlawful entry through a window. Traces of your fur are on the murder weapon. And finally, there is a letter offering hush money to the cook, bearing your authentic signature."

Mika: "I didn't do it! I swear! Things are not what they seem!"

Officer: "Mrs. Saesucasa, you are hereby under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present during any questioning."

Officer handcuffs mika

Mika: "No! Lionel! Do something! I didn't do it! You know it! Tell them the full story!"

Lionel: "Yes, officer, there is something ..."

Officer: "Mr. Scruffycat, if you want to make your testimony, you have the right to do so in court! Now, please, don't waste my time and let me do my job."

Lori: "Officer! The real killer is still on the loose! If you don't hear us now, he will escape and disappear forever!"

Officer: "The real killer? Listen, we searched every inch of this island, and we didn't find anybody who's not supposed to be here. There is no other suspect."

Poke: "Au contraire, Officer! Au contraire!"

Officer: "Huh?"

Poke: "What if it was one of those who ARE supposed to be here?"

Officer: "What are you trying to tell me?"

Poke: "I'm trying to tell you that I can prove that the murderer is still on this island! In fact ... he's in this very room!"

SFX-1107 - Overly Dramatic Suspense Music

All gasp!

Lori: "Yes, Officer! Your conclusion that Mika should be the prime suspect is based on an incomplete chain of evidence! When you questioned Mika earlier, she propably told you about the secret room full of surveillance equipment, and the rejected screenplays?"

Butler: "She is obviously being delusional! I've been running this household for more than 30 years. She is lying! There are no cameras, and no hidden rooms of any kind."

Poke: "Not any more. By now the murderer should have had enough time to remove all the surveillance gear, and throw it over some cliff at the shore. But we were able to secure a very important piece of evidence before he could destroy it. May I present to you: The Script!"

Poke produces the script

Everyone goes "oooooh!"

Officer: "Hey! You've been withholding evidence! That's against the law! You're hereby ..."

Lori: "Please, officer, let us finish! This script is a screenplay for an imaginary episode of 'The Hounds of Blackwhite Castle'."

Officer: "And what makes it so special?"

Poke: "It precisely describes the murder of Lord Hesketh-Fortesque. But it was written many months ago. It proves that the whole thing is setup!"

Officer: "A setup? But how could he have scripted all this in advance? I mean, there's no way he could have foreseen all of your reactions!"

Lori: "He made us follow his script by the way he set things up. He strategically arranged the circumstances. He planted evidence for us to find, so we would jump to certain conclusions. For the unforseeable details, he left blanks in the script to be filled in later."

Poke: "It all worked soooo nicely ... well, until, when everyone else was asleep, Mika suddenly heard a noise. She stood up and followed the murderer to his secret room. He expected me and Lori to investigate ... but not Mika. So she caught him by surprise!"

Officer: "So you say, all the evidence is planted? That's a pretty keen allegation! Can you back it up?"

Lori: "Yes, I can. One of the things the murderer couldn't foresee was who of us would enter the house first. So he had to be prepared for all four possibilities. For example, he had to write four versions of the letter to the cook that we were supposed to find, and then plant the correct one depending on who of us would come in first."

Poke: "And guess what we found? Neatly stapled and punched, and inserted at the appropriate page in the script?"

Lori: "Bingo! Three identical letters. One bears my signature. One bears Lionels signature. And the last one ... well, the last one bears the signature of someone called 'I.C. Wiener'"

Mika laughs!

Mika: "Yes! I remember ... we had to fill in the forms to get our tickets. And because Poke can't write, I had to fill in the form for him. I'm always the one who has to do all the writing for Poke, and it really ticks me off! So, to make a little fun of him, I signed his form with 'I.C. Wiener'!"

Poke grumbles

Lori giggles

Lori: "The murderer blindly took the signatures from our application forms, faithfully copying Mika's prank, believing it is Poke's actual signature!"

Poke: "Only two people on this island had access to our application forms. One of them died yesterday."

Lori: "And there's more. The folder has the author's name on it. The name of a person who sent hundrets of crappy scripts to the producer of 'The Hounds of Blackwhite Castle'. 'Abe M. Y. Carters Jun'. But that's not his real name. It's an anagram. You have to Re-Arrange the Letters and you'll get the true meaning. This person obviously needed to remain unrecognized, because the Producer knew him personally."

Poke: "Truth be told, the Murderer of Lord Hesketh Fortesque is .."

Poke and Lori: "James Canterbury!"

everyone gasps

Butler laughs

Butler: "Oh come on, Officer, you can't take this serious. That there's an anagram of my name on a cover of some ridiculous script of unknown origin doesn't prove anything. And about the letter ... maybe it was the Lord himself who prepared it, to make a little fun of his guests, to add a little ... mystery? Who knows?"

Officer: "There's still Mrs. Saesucasa's fur on the handle of the murder weapon. How do you explain that?"

Poke: "James faked it, of course."

Butler: "That's nonsense! How should I have done that! I wasn't even there!"

Poke: "Or were you? Here is our reconstruction of the crime."

SFX-1108 - Music?

Lori: "You had everything prepared. The script. The cameras to get it all on tape. A Furetta B-22, loaded with nine shots. You made sure the window would be the only way to get into the house, and you placed a strip of double-sided sticky tape on the windowsill. The Lord was already waiting for our arrival in the hall."

Poke: "Then we came, and Mika rang the doorbell."

Lori: "You wanted everyone to believe that the killer had been standing outside the window. So, you did not just make sure to stand at the right angle, no, you even wanted to make it look like the last shot got stuck and the killer was forced to finish his job by throwing the weapon."

Poke: "So, you stepped up to the Lord, fired 8 times, and then struck him down with the handle of the weapon. Then you picked up the empty bullet casings, and quickly left the room, taking the blood stained gun with you."

Lori: "Mika heard the shots, and climbed in through the window ... leaving traces of her fur on the sticky tape on the windowsill! As soon as she was inside, you quickly walked outside through one of side doors. You dropped the bullet casings on the pavement outside the window, took a bunch of hairs from the sticky tape, and dispersed them over the blood on the gun."

Poke: "You took a cleaning rag and covered the gun with it. You rushed back inside, confonting Mika. While pretending to be scared shitless, you dropped the rag with the gun still in it."

Mika: "Now that you mention it ... yes ... I did hear something drop with a loud clank when James came storming in."

Officer: "That's a nice story, but where is the proof?"

Lori: "Well if the fact that it's almost impossible to land a deadly hit by throwing a gun over a distance isn't enough for you, check the gun. The last bullet didn't get stuck. There never was a ninth bullet. He loaded it with only eight rounds, because he knew that it's a VERY bad idea to hit someone over the head using a loaded gun with the barrel pointing back at yourself."

Poke: "And if you're still not convinced, Officer, have a close look at the sticky tape on the windowsill. It's still there."

James (annoyed): "This is ridiculous! It's .. it's a conspiracy! Officer, I ask you to remove these vandals from our premises! This is ... a breach of domestic peace! Trespassing! Slander! And yes, go look at the bloody tape! You won't find anything!"

Poke: "Oh, yes, you're right, we won't find anything suspicious on it. Of course you made sure not to leave any nasty fur or fingerprints on the weapon or anywhere else, so you wore gloves. Including the time when you removed the cover of the double sided sticky tape!"

Lori: "But you made a bad mistake. You forgot to put on your gloves when you first applied it to the windowsill! I checked it before we came in. There's none of your fur on the tape. But plenty of it underneath!"

James: "But ... but ... but ... I ...."

Poke: "James Canterbury, the game is over."

James: "How dare you? You're just a filthy little ferret! You're not the police! You're nothing! You ..."

Officer: "James Canterbury. You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present during any questioning."

James breaks down crying hysterically

James: "Noooohooooohooooo!"

SFX-1106 (STOP)

Officer unshackles Mika

Officer: "Mrs. Saesucasa ... you are free to go. You are no longer under arrest."

Mika: "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Lionel: "Yaaaaay!"

Mika and Lionel cuddle happily.

Poke and Lori walk towards each other.

Lori: "Inspector Fritham?"

Poke: "Ms. Loreena McMarple?"

Lori & Poke: "Gimme Five!!!!"

$ACT% Lori and Poke high-five

Mika walks over to James

Mika: "James?"

James (sobbing) "Yes?"

Mika: "Just one final question. Why? Why did he have to die?"

James: "Once I used to have a prestigious job. I was one of the stars of "The Hounds of Blackwhite Castle". I loved my job. I love the series. Being part of it was a dream come true. But then, things began to change. Everyone else was stepping up the career ladder ... but I remained only just 'the guy who plays the butler'. I had always dreamed that one time, I'd be able to write my very own episode."

Mika: "I see ... so you started submitting scripts, but they all got rejected!"

James cries

James: "Yes! When the series ended, nobody believed that I could ever play anything else except "the butler", and I ended up being unemployed. One day, the Lord offered me to become his real butler. And I had no other choice than to accept. Oh, the irony. I hated him, the man who rejected all of my scripts, and now I was forced to be his servant! My hate grew with every day. Eventually I began forging a plan! I began writing the final, the ultimate, my very own episode of "The Hounds of Blackwhite Castle". And you were supposed to be ... my star! But you ruined it! You ruined everything! Oh, Mika Saesucasa! Why didn't you just stay in bed like you were supposed to? Why? *Why?*"

Mika shakes her head

Mika (cold): "You know ... when I asked you for your story, I was hoping, I might regain at least a little bit of sympathy for you. But now I find ... that I just can't. I'm sorry".

Poke: "Pa-dadaa-dadadadam! And so ends another episode of "The Hounds of Blackwhite Castle", the only series with more drama than livejournal!"

Officer: "Ms. Loreena McFolkmanis? Mr. Poke? Thank you for your help. Your assistance will be commended in my report. You've done a hell of a job!"

Lori, Poke: "Yaaaaaaaay!"

Lori and Poke dance their little happy-dance

SFX-1109 - Ending Song fades in

Lionel: "Mika?"

Mike turns to Lionel

Mika: "Yes, Lionel?"

Lionel: "I think it's time to go home."

Mika: "Yes, I think you're right. I've had my share of adventure for at least another year".

Lionel: "Uhm, and, Mika? There's something I've got to tell you."

Mika: "What is it?"

Lionel: "I love you."

Mika: "I love you, too."

Lionel and Mika hug and kiss

Poke & Lori: "Eeeeeeeeeeew!"

SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "A shot in the dark / That nobody hears / Blood, red like a flame / That bobody sees"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "You never had friends / to share joy and pain / And now that is why / you'll die in the rain!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "Nine lives are not enough / to understand the ways of hate and love / But if we're strong enough / Together we can solve a part of it, I hope ..."

SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "Woah! Woah! Hold your horses! What the fuck is that!"

SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "It's the ending song. Isn't it wonderfully dramatic?"

SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "I'd say its wonderfully depressing! We just had the perfect happy ending, and then you sing about pain and dying in the rain. DID I MISS SOMETHING?"

SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "But a good crime thriller has no happy ending!"

SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "But ours had!"

SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "Poke, you don't understand this. Could you please just shut up, and let me continue my song?"

SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "No!"

SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "But I'm not going to let you ruin my ending song!"

SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "And I'm not going to let YOU ruin my happy ending!"

SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "We've started this song, so we must finish it!"

SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "Oh really? Well, then let's get it over with!"

SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "I hate cute kittens! / I hate pink balloons! / I hate cotton candy! / And Disney Cartoons!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "But there is one thing / I can't live without! If I don't get it / I will scream and shout:"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "I want my happy end! / Where prince and princess walk out hand in hand! / No troubles left to see! / And everafter they lived happily!"

SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "I want my happy end!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "There is no happy end!
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "Will this song ever end?"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori & Poke: "Oh yes, this is the end!"

SFX-1109 (cont.) - two shots are fired

Poke and lori fall over backwards, disappearing from stage.

Lights out

End of Act 3 - CURTAIN CALL!

MUS-09 - Muppets End Theme
MUS-10 - Poets of the Fall - Lift
MUS-11 - Juergen Vries - The Theme
MUS-12 - Ferry Corsten - Star Traveller


(If you read this, it's time to get a beer.)