Act 3, Scene 3 - The Lighthouse

- Stage: The lighthouse
- Setting: White canvas obscures view, rotating light casting shadows of the characters
- Section: A, B
- Puppets: Lionel, Mika, Lori, Poke, Panda
- Props: Frying Pan
- Music:
- SFX:


AMB-10 - Lighthouse Ambience

lights on, rotating light behind canvas (or moving head/scanner simulating a rotating lighthouse)

Lionel, Mika, Lori and Poke enter from section B, one after another, sneaking into the lighthouse

SFX-1001 - suspense music

SFX-1002 - tinkle

Lionel (whispering): "Shhh! Quiet! We don't want to alert the lighthouse keeper! God knows what happens if he catches us!"

Lori (whispering): "Oops, sorry."

Lionel: "We must search this place! Look for a radio or something else we can use to alert the coast guard!"

They sneak on, leaving to section A

They sneak back in, into the other direction

The Keeper follows at some distance, holding up a frying pan

They sneak on, up to the middle of the stage

SFX-1003 - creak!

They stop walking

The Keeper closes in, standing behind Poke

Lionel: "Stop! Everyone, stop! I think there was a noise."

Lionel turns to Mika

Lionel: "Did you hear something?"

Mika: "No, nothing."

Mika turns to Lori

Mika: "Did you hear something?"

Lori: "No, nothing."

Lori turns to Poke

Lori: "Did you hear something?"

Poke: "No, nothing."

Poke turns to the Keeper

Poke: "Did you hear something?"

Keeper: "No, nothing. The coast is clear."

Poke turns to Lori

Poke: "The coast is clear."

Lori turns to Mika

Lori: "The coast is clear."

Mika turns to Lionel

Mika: "The coast is clear."

Lionel: "Ah, good. So the coast is clear."

Mika: "Wait a minute ... I heard five answers!"

Lionel: "But we're only four!"

All turn around, except for the Keeper

All (scream): "Aah! It's the lighthouse keeper! Aah!"

Lori (screams): "And he is wielding a frying pan!"

Poke (screams): "Run for your lives!"

All (scream): "Aah!"

SFX-1001 STOP - suspense music
SFX-1004 - chase music

They start running away from the Keeper out to Section B

The Keeper chases them back from B to A

Keeper: "Stop, you vermin! How dare you break into my tower! Stop!"

Lionel: "No, no, wait! We're all grown up people, can't we just talk it over?"

Mika: "Lionel, stop talking, RUN!"

they run off Section A

SFX-1005 - fighting

All: "Grr, argh grmpf!"

Mika (off): "Give me that frying pan!"

Keeper: "No!"

Mika: "Yes!"

Keeper: "No!"

SFX-1005 (stop) - fighting
SFX-1006 - bang

Keeper: "Ouch!"

The Keeper staggers in again, up to the middle of the stage

They come running after him, Mika wielding the frying pan

The Keeper opens a trapdoor and jumps down, locking it shut from the outside

SFX-1007 - trapdoor open, close, click

SFX-1004 (STOP) - chase music

Keeper: "Help!"

Poke tries to open the trapdoor

Poke: "Hrrrrrrrrrsn!!!"

Poke gives up

Poke: "Ah, shit! He locked himself out!"

Mika (groan): "No, you idiot! He locked us in!"

Keeper (off): "You're just getting what you deserve!"

Mika: "Don't go away! We need your help!"

Keeper (off): "My help? Are you kidding? Oh ... wait a minute! I recognize that voice! You're the nutcase who called me on the phone, right?"

Lionel: "Please! Listen to us!"

Keeper (off): "No, I won't listen! You are going to stay up there, until the coast guard arrives."

Lionel: "The coast guard! Yes, that's perfect! Can you please call them? Every minute counts!"

Keeper (off): "I can't. The phone line is dead. You'll have to wait for the next patrol. Don't worry, they'll take care of you soon enough!"

Lionel: "And when will that be?"

Keeper (off): "Tomorrow at noon, maybe later."

Lori: "That's too late! There's a murderer on the loose! It's only a question of time until he finds out that we're here, and then we are doomed!"

Keeper (off): "What the hell are you talking about? Stop wasting my time! I'll be on my way down. I've got better things to do than talking to a bunch of lunatics. Good night!"

SFX-1008 - metal steps (leaving)

Lionel: "But ..."

Keeper (off, far away): "Lalalalala!! I'm not listening!"

Lionel (sighs): "Damn! I doubt that he's going to come back anytime soon."

Mika: "We're on top of a lighthouse. It can't be that hard to make someone on the mainland notice us. Doesn't anyone of us know morse code or something?"

Poke: "I don't."

Lionel: "Me neither."

Lori: "What's morse code?"

All sigh

Poke: "Let's just kill the light. I bet they will notice that!"

Mika: "And how the hell are we supposed to do that? Stick it up your ferret-ass?"

Poke: "I'd be de-lighted!"

Lionel (groan): "The lighthouse is a guide for all the ships passing. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be responsible for any ships running aground."

Poke: "Oh, I've got a better idea. How about sticking this thing up Mika's backside? That'll give us pink light! Ta-da! The first officially gay lighthouse!"

Mika: "Pink? You mean my underwear, don't you?"

Poke: "No, actually I meant ..."

Lionel: "Wait! Red underwear! Hmmmmmmmmm ..."

Lori: "Lionel! We're locked up, a murderer is closing in on us, and you're fantasizing about your sweetheart's lingerie?"

Lionel: "No, I mean ... yes! Honestly, what if changing the color of the light really works? I'm sure someone would notice that!"

Mika: "Nooo! No no no! I can see where this is going! That's the cheapest excuse to get a glance at my naked butt that I've ever heard. My panties stay on!"

Lionel: "Well, technically you're never naked. You still got fur."

Mika: "No means 'no'!"

Lionel sighs

Lionel: "Okay. If you guys still have any ideas, go ahead! But I'm going to get myself some rest now. I'm dead tired, and I must admit, I actually feel quite safe up here."

Lionel lies down with a grunt

Lionel: "Come here, Spottykitty."

Mika sighs and moves over

Mika and Lionel cuddle, purr

Lori and Poke move to the opposite side

Lori (whispers): "Psst! Hey Poke!"

Poke (whispers): "What is it?"

Lori (whispers): "Whatever Lionel says, I don't feel safe at all! We can't just sit here and do nothing!"

Poke (whispers): "Aha? So what do you think we should do?"

Lori (whispers): "I've got a plan: We should do it like professionals. Do you still remember episode 943?"

Poke (whispers): "Uh ... Yes ... I think so. Wasn't that the one about that special piece of evidence?"

Lori (whispers): "Yes, exactly. And do you remember what Fritz Fritham did to get this special piece of evidence?"

Poke (whispers): "Yes,I do! But doesn't that violate Scotland Yard regulation 5-1-4 B, Section 2?"

Lori (whispers): "Poke, sometimes you have to forget about regulations and do what you have to do!"

Poke (whispers): "Uh ... okay!"

Lori (whispers): "All right, that's the spirit! Let's do it like in Episode 943! Here we go!"

Lori turns around

Lori: "Oh, Mika?"

Mika (drowsy): "Yes? What's the matter?"

Lori: "We ... uhm ... we need your help! Could you come over here for a minute, please?"

Mika stands up, stretching

Mika: "All right ... what is it?"

Lori: "Uh ... come a bit closer, I don't want to wake up Lionel."

Mika (yawning): "Fair enough ..."

Mika walks over to Lori and Poke, meeting them in the middle of the stage

Lori: "Poke! Now!"

Lori, Poke (shout): "PANTY ATTACK!"

Mika: "What the ..."

They fight, Poke and Lori trying to get Mika's panties

SFX-1009 - catfight, chase music

Poke drags the panties off Mika's butt and runs away

Poke: "I've got them! I've got them!"

Mika (hisses, spits): "Hey! Stop! You rotten son of a bitch!"

Mika runs after Poke

Mika: "Give me my undies back!"

Poke: "Give me one good reason!"

Mika: "You want an explanation? Well, then, please let me quote what a world-famous frying pan once said!"

Mika pulls out the frying pan and hits Poke over the head

SFX-1010 - pan bang

Poke: "Ouch!"

Poke faints

Lori runs up to Mika and steals the dropped panties

Mika: "Hey!"

Lori: "Believe me, it's for your own good!"

Lori runs off towards Lionel

Mika: "Give me that!"

Mika runs after Lori

Lori: "Lionel! Catch!"

Lori stops and throws the panties over to Lionel

Mika reaches Lori and whacks her to the ground

SFX-1010 - pan bang

Lionel: "Huh? What the ...?"

Mika (screams): "You! Aaaah!"

Mika runs up to Lionel, growling and hissing, wielding the frying pan

Lionel (screams): "No! Wait! Don't hit me, don't hit me! I'm your boyfriend! Remember? We're engaged!"

Mika stops

SFX-1009 (STOP) - braking noise, music stops

Mika (still in rage): "Oh ... yes. You're right."

Lionel: "Mika ... drop the pan ... please."

Mika: "Oh ... okay."

Mika drops the frying pan

SFX-1011 - pan drop

Lionel: "There's a good girl."

Mika: "Now give me back my panties!"

Lionel: "Mika ... Don't you think it would be worth a try?"

Mika: "No! I don't want everyone to see me naked!"

Lionel: "Well ... you knocked everyone out cold, so that's one thing less to worry about."

Mika: "But I still don't want to!"

Lionel: "It could save our lives, Mika! And if it doesn't work I'll give them right back to you, okay?"

Mika (sighs): "All right then. Do it. But do it quickly, I'm getting cold."

Lionel: "Thank you, sweetheart."

Mika growls

Mika: "Don't sweetheart me!"

Lionel goes over to the lamp and covers it with Mika's panties

flip on the red filters to the lights

SFX-1012 - aaaaaah / belltree

Lionel: "Yes, look! It really works!"

Mika: "I can see that. But ... forgive me if I'm having a hard time appreciating the success."

Lionel walks back to Section A

Lionel: "Oh come on, spottykitty, don't fret. There's nothing left to do now but to sit and wait. Why don't you come over here, so I can shield you from the prying eyes of the greedy on-lookers?"

Mika goes over to Lionel and they snuggle

Mika (sighs): "All right. I'm sorry for throwing a fit. You did the right thing."

Lionel: "Don't worry, all is forgiven. So what are we going to do while we wait?"

Mika (giggles, purrs): "Well, I'm not sure if you have anything specific in mind but here's a hint: I'm not wearing my panties anymore ... MREOW"

Lionel (giggles): "You silly kitty!"

Mika and Lionel slowly disappear downwards, still giggling

Poke and Lori wake up, groaning

Lori: "Whoa ... what a hit. My head hurts ... I'm all dizzy ... and ... and I'm seeing stars!"

Poke: "Wow! Yes! And look down there on the floor! I can even see the moon!"

the frying pan comes flying from Mika and hits Poke flat on the head

SFX-1013 - swish-swish-swish-wish

Poke: "Ouch!"

lights out

MUS-08 - Hindi Sad Diamonds