Act 3, Scene 1 - Dirty Deeds, done by Sheep

- Stage: Sheeps meadow
- Setting: Sheeps meadow, a fence in the background, some trees, grass
- Section: A, B
- Puppets: Leader(white sheep), Benny(black Sheep), Lionel, Mika, Poke, Lori, lots of white sheep
- Props:Weapons for the sheep
- Music:
- SFX:


- AMB-08 - The Meadow

Lionel, Mika, Poke and Lori enter the stage from section B, slowly walking across the stage

Lionel: "Mika ... I've got such a bad conscience. I don't know what had gotten into me. I should never have doubted you. I'm so sorry!"

Mika (gruff): "Damn right!"

Lionel: "Oh come on, please! Don't make it harder for me than it already is. Isn't there something I can do to make you forgive me?"

Mika (growls): "When we're home again, you'll have to give me a one hour backrub."

Lionel (relieved): "Okay. I can do that."

Mika: "And you'll have to take me out for dinner."

Lionel: "Sure."

Mika: "And clean up the kitchen."

Lionel (worried): "O ... kay ..."

Mika: "And buy me a new dress."

Lionel: "Uh ..."

Mika: "And I want a chocolate, strawberry, peach, vanilla, banana, pistachio, peppermint, lemon, orange, butterscotch ice cream cone!"

Lori: "Uh, hello? You two? I'm sorry to interrupt your ... mating behavior, but ... does any of you have an idea where we are going?"

Lionel: "I want to get as far away from the castle as possible. I really hope we can find a place where we can hide but ... I must admit I have no clue where that might be."

SFX-0801 - bleat (Section B)

all stop, turn around, facing section B

half the sheep show up in section A

Lori: "What was that noise?"

Poke: "I don't see anything."

Mika (sniffs): "It smells like ... sniff prey ..."

SFX-0802 - bleat (Section A)

sheep disappear down again

all turn around, facing section A

half the sheep show up in section B

Lionel: "There it was again!"

Poke: "I still don't see anything!"

Mika (sniffs): "It still smells like ... sniff prey ..."

SFX-0802 - bleat (Section B)

Lori: "Oh, look! Sheep!"

other half the sheep show up in section A

SFX-0803 - bleat (Section A) ... continues in a loop of constant bleating in the background

Lori turns around

Lori: "And over there! Even more sheep! So many sheep! One ... Two ..Three ..."

Lori starts yawning while counting

Lori: "Four ... five ... six ..."

Lori falls asleep and snores

switch from Lori to sheep leader

Mika: "Lori? Lori!"

Mika shakes Lori, but she keeps on snoring

Leader: "Hey, where do you think you're going! You're tresspassing our territory."

Lionel: "Oh, I'm sorry, we didn't want to intrude. We're just visitors!"

Leader: "Too bad, because we don't like visitors.

Poke: "Hey, do you know this one: Mary had a little Sheep - She took it to bed to warm her feet - then she saw it was a ram - soon mary had a little Lamb!"

Lionel: "POKE!"

Mika. "He he he! I know an even better one: Mary had a little lamb - It ran into a pylon - 10,000 volts went up its ass - And turned its wool to nylon!"

Lionel: "MIKA!"

Poke and Mika laugh!

Leader: "Hey, Spotty kitty! I've been having a very bad day today, so you should be careful what you are saying!"

Mika: "So what? Do you really think we're afraid of you? You'd better be afraid of me! Because last time I checked, my place was some levels above you in the food-chain. And by the way, there's only one person who may call me spotty kitty! And it's not you!"

Leader: "Oh, really, spotty kitty?"

Lionel: "Mika ... don't pick a fight!"

Mika: "Lionel, they are nothing but a flock of stupid sheep! I have teeth and claws, they're hardly a match for me!"

Leader: "Is that so, spotty kitty?"

Mika: "Okay, that's it! Out of my way! I'm counting to three! One ... two ..."

sheep draw weapons

SFX-0804 - weapon sounds, sword blades, guns cocking

Mika (gulps): "two and a half ... two and ... Lionel ... What's comes after two and a half again? Hehe heh ... heh ... Oh, is it that late already? We have to go and-"

Lionel (ironic): "Well done, 'spotty kitty'!"

Leader: "I'm awfully sorry my firends, but we're not allowed to let you go. Orders from the boss. 'Don't let those four americans get away!' he said. And we don't want to disappoint him, do we?"

SFX-0805 - affirmative bleating

Lionel: "Who is your Boss?"

Leader (shakes head): "Dz dz dz ... Wrong question! Try again."

Mika: "Alright then ... who are you?"

Leader: "Ah, much better question! We are the 'Shock Flock Gang', sheep for hire! You want a job done? We'll do it for you."

Poke: "Could you guys give me a blow-job?"

Leader: "Yuck! No, there are some things even money can't buy."

Poke: "Let me guess. For everything else, there is Mastercard."

Leader: "Very Funny. But enough talking! We've got a job to do. Don't take it personally, it's just a job. And it's well paid."

SFX-0806 - Dirty Deeds

SFX-0806 (cont.) - "You must get rid of someone in your way? / But you're afraid to do / They're on your heels and you can't run away? / Here's what you gotta do / Pick up the phone / We're always home / Call us anytime / Just ring three sixty two four three six o / We lead a life of crime"

SFX-0806 (cont.) - "Dirty Deeds Done by Sheep / Dirty Deeds Done by Sheep / Dirty Deeds Done by Sheep / Dirty Deeds and they're / Done by Sheep / Dirty Deeds and they're / Done by Sheep"

SFX-0806 (cont.) - "A hundred shadows lurking on the lawn / But you don't hear them bleat / We never care, just pass the money on / We know revenge is sweet / Don't have no fear / We're always here / To give your luck a hand / Just dial our number, no wish is too hard / Your cash is our command"

SFX-0806 (cont.) - "Dirty Deeds Done by Sheep / Dirty Deeds Done by Sheep / Dirty Deeds Done by Sheep / Dirty Deeds and they're / Done by Sheep / Dirty Deeds and they're / Done by Sheep"

switch from sheep leader to Lori

SFX-0806 (cont.) - Dirty Deeds Karaoke in the background

sheep keep dancing

Lori wakes up

Lori: "Huh? Oh... oh! I must have fallen asleep. Did I miss anything? Oh, look! Sheep! And so many! One ... two ... three ..."

Lionel: "Lori! Stop counting the sheep!"

Benny approaches the group slowly

Lori: "Uh ... okay. yaaawns What happened?"

Lionel: "We're prisoners of the 'Shock Flock Gang'. They're being paid by the murderer of Lord Hesketh-Fortescue to make sure we don't escape."

Lori: "Prisoners? Of sheep? But sheep are perfectly harmless! They are soft, cuddly, friendly creatures, and they eat nothing but grass. You can't possibly be afraid of a flock of sheep."

Benny reaches Lori's back

Benny (whispers): "Hey you!"

Lori jumps and screams

Lori: "Aaah! Don't touch me you evil creature!"

Benny (whispers): "Shh! Don't make such fuss! They must not hear me talking to you! I'm on your side! I can tell you how to get out of here."

Lionel: "Oh, yes? How do I know I can trust you? Why do you want to help us?"

Benny (whispers): "Let's put it this way: Lately I've been feeling a rather out of tune with the flock, if you know what I mean."

Lionel: "No, actually I don't know what you mean."

Benny (whispers): "The most important thing for sheep is to blend in with the flock! But look at me! I'm a black sheep! Just how do you think I am supposed to blend in, huh?"

Lionel: "I get the idea, but why don't you just leave and find some other black sheep?"

Benny (whispers intently): "That's impossible! Nobody leaves the flock!"

Lionel: "If you say so ... now, tell us, how can we get out of here?"

Benny (whispers): "Well, these are not your everyday type of sheep, the have ...."

SFX-0807 - Anonymous sheep: "Hey Black Benny! What'cha doin' with da prisoners o'er there?"

Benny (whispers): "Shit!"

Benny (calling to the flock): "Uh nothing ... I was just checking if there is anything ... out of tune."

SFX-0808 - Anonymous sheep: "Move ya black ass o'er here!"

Benny (whispers): "Sorry, no more time for explanations! I've got to go!"

Benny moves back to the dancing flock

Benny (singing out of tune): "Dirty Deeds .. lala .. Done by Sheep ... lala ..."

SFX-0809 - Flock: "Argh! Stop that! Are you nuts!"

The flock jumps on Benny and beats him

SFX-0809 (cont.) - beating noises

Lori: "Um ... did you understand what he's been trying to tell us?"

Lionel: "I'm not sure."

Mika: "Maybe there was some kind of hidden message in what he said."

Lionel: "What's the deal with being out of tune anyway? Too bad, they caught him talking to us before he could tell us what their weakness is."

Mika: "No! I think I've got it! What if he did tell us everything we need to know!"

Lionel: "And what would that be?"

Mika: "Well, first he told us how sheep can't live with anything that doesn't blend in perfectly. Then he talked about being out of tune ... twice. And didn't you notice how everyone started cringing in pain just because he sung the wrong notes?"

Lionel: "Oh, so you think what we have to do is ..."

Lori: "... singing out of tune?"

Mika: "Yes, precisely!"

Poke: "Okay, who of us is the worst singer? Mika, Lionel! You sing!"

Lionel: "Ah, nonsense! Let's sing altogether!"

Poke starts singing horribly out of tune

Poke: "Dirty sheep! Dunked in Bleach! Baaaaah! Baaaah!"

All join the singing out of tune

SFX-0810 - Flock (panic): "Argh! Stop it! Aah! Baaaah! Wahh! Aaaargh! Baaaah!"

The sheep explode one by one

SFX-0811 - Kaboom!
SFX-0811 - Kaboom!
SFX-0811 - Kaboom!

Lionel (excited): "Yes, it's working! Keep singing!"

They keep singing until the last of the sheep has exploded

SFX-0806 (STOP) - music fades out

Benny comes back

Benny: "Yes, you did it! Great work, guys! I could never have done this alone."

Lionel: "Thank you for helping us out there."

Benny: "No, I thank you! But you must go now, you can't stay here. The murderer will be here any minute."

Mika: "You know who the murderer is?"

Benny: "Yes, but if I told you, I'd be a dead sheep. But I can still help you. There's one place where you're safe, and that's the lighthouse. It is the only building that is not part of the Lord's private property, which means it's also the only building the murderer doesn't have a key for. You must find the lighthouse and ask the keeper for shelter!"

Lionel: "Hey, thanks for the advice!"

Benny: "I have to thank you! I'm free now! For the first time in my life I can do whatever I want!"

Everyone starts walking towards section A.

Light starts to fade

MUS-06 (slowly fades in) - You've got a Friend in me!

Lionel: "And, what are you planning to do now?"

Benny: "I'm going to be an entertainer!"

Lionel: "Oh really?"

Benny: "I've heard so many sheep jokes in my life that I have plenty of material! Hey, do you know this one: Why was the sheep arrested on the freeway?"

Lionel: "I have no idea!"

Benny: "Well, because she did a ewe-turn!"

SFX-0812 - rimshot

Everyone groans loudly!

Mika: "Uhhh ...that one hurt."

Benny: "Okay, okay, then how about this one: What do you call a dancing sheep?"

Lionel: "I'm not sure I want to know ..."

Benny: "You call it a baa-lerina!"

SFX-0812 - rimshot

Everyone groans loudly!

Benny: "Hey, you want to hear another one?"

ALL: "Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!"

MUS-06 (fade to full volume) - You've got a Friend in me!