Act 2, Scene 1 - A Dead Welcome

- Stage: The Castle's Main Hall
- Setting: in Color
- Section: A, B
- Puppets: Lionel, Mika, Lori, Poke, Butler
- Props: Dead cat (the Lord), cleaning cloth, gun in plastic bag, Magnifying Glass
- Music:
- SFX:


SFX-0400 - act 2 intro

SFX-0400 (cont.) - 8 shots, one blow, someone calling for help!

AMB-01 - Main Hall

light on

A dead cat lies inside the hall, in the middle of the stage

Mika is on stage, walking backwards from Section A to the middle

Mika: "Hello? Is anybody there? Hello? I-"

Mika bumps into the dead Lord Hesketh-Fortescue

SFX-0401 - thump

Mika jumps and turns around, gasps in shock and screams, steps back a bit

Butler comes rushing in from section B, carrying a cleaning cloth

Butler: "Aaaaaaah!"

Butler drops his cleaning rag

SFX-0402 - metallic clank

Butler: "What the hell is going on here? Who are you? And ... Oh my god! The Lord! Is he dead? Uh oh ... this is not good. Not good at all!"

Butler looks at Mika

Butler: "You killed Lord Hesketh-Fortescue! You killed him! How could you!"

Mika: "No! I came in to help!"

Butler: "Noooo! Please, don't shoot me! I'll do anything! What do you want? Silverware? Money? It's no problem! We have an insurance! Take whatever you like, but sobs don't sob shoot me!"

Butler breaks down crying

Mika: "Hellooo? Are you listening? My name ist Mika! I'm here to help! And who are you?"

Butler (sobbing): "My name is James. I am ... I mean, I used to be ... his now deceased ... Lordship's personal ... butler ..."

Butler pauses for a second

Butler (crying): "And I'm still too young to die!"

Butler keeps on crying

Mika (angry): "Now, if you won't listen to me, will you at least SHUT UP!"

Butler: "Oh yes! Shut up! That's a good idea. You want me to shut up, so I will! I don't say a word and you won't kill me! I think that's exactly-"

Mika growls

Butler stops, startled

Butler (timid): "Okay ..."

Mika: "Now, listen to what I say! I came in through the window because I heard the gunshots, but I swear, when I entered the hall, he was already dead, and it scared the shit out of me, too! I've been dragged onto this god-forsaken island by your goddamn Fans-Of-The-Year, and rest assured, if I had a choice, I'd rather be somewhere else!"

Butler: "Oh! You are with the fan of the year? Now ... I'm really confused. Are you alone? Where is the rest of your party?"

SFX-0403 - knockknock

Lionel (off): "Mika? Mika! Are you in there? Is everything alright?"

Butler: "Ah!"

The Butler walks over to Section A to open the door

SFX-0404 - heavy door

Lionel, Poke and Lori enter the room, followed by the butler

Lionel: "Mika! What is going on in here? We heard gunshots and a scream, and then ..."

Lionel sees the dead Lord

Lionel: "Oh my god! Who is that?"

Poke walks over to the dead body, sniffing it

Poke: "It's Lord Hesketh-Fortescue. And he's dead."

Lori: "Oh no! The good Lord! I was his biggest fan!"

Lori cries, breaks down

Poke: "Miss McMarple! Don't loose your continence!"

Lori (sobbing): "That's contenance, Poke!"

Poke: "No, I mean don't wet your pants!"

Poke picks up a big magnifying glass

Poke: "After all you are in the presence of the world renowned Inspector Poke Fritham!"

Mika: "Poke! I warned you! No more Inspector!"

Poke puts down the magnifying glass

Poke: "Oh? Why? Do you have anything to hide?"

Mika: "Anything to hide? What's going on here?" "

Poke: "Well, you know the drill ... at first, everyone's a suspect!"

Mika: "Hello? I just risked my life trying to help someone! Why does everyone suddenly treat me like a criminal?"

Lionel: "She's right! Enough assumptions! This is not a game!"

Lionel turns to the butler.

Lionel: "Uhm, Mr. Butler?

Butler runs to Lionel

Butler: "Yes, Sir?"

Lionel: "I suggest you should go and call the police, quickly."

Butler: "Yes, Sir!"

Butler leaves to Section B.

Lionel: "And Lori, Poke ... don't even think of touching anything!"

Lori joins Poke

Lori: "But Lionel! Of course we are strictly conforming to Scotland Yard regulation 3-7-5 a, Section 1: Alteration or destruction of evidence is strictly prohibited."

Lionel groans

Lori: "So, Poke ... What do you think?"

Poke (contemplating): "I think that a disposition towards inquiry deprived this feline of it's vital state."

Lori: "You mean ... curiosity killed the cat?"

Poke (stuck-up): "Lori, stop trying to impress me with your witty proverbs!"

Lori: "The poor guy has more holes in him than a sieve. Why did it take so many shots?"

Mika: "Because he's a cat. We're tough, we have nine lives, remember?"

Poke: "I see eight gunshot wounds."

Lori: "Plus one final blow over the head. There go your nine lives."

Butler comes back from Section B to the center of the stage

Butler: "Gentlemen, I have bad news. Our phone connection to the mainland is dead. Unfortunately, that is not uncommon during a heavy storm like this."

Lionel: "*sigh* I understand. And when does the next boat come in?"

Butler: "Only a suicidal fool would try crossing the sea under these weather conditions. I don't expect any boats coming in until the storm has subsided."

Mika (angry): "In short, we're stuck here, and we can't call for help. Great. Just great."

Lori (fearful): "Uh ... and I just realized something ..."

Poke: "Yes ... Miss McMarple, you're absolutely right. The murderer must be still on this island!"

Everyone gasps

SFX-0405 - exaggerated suspense music

Lionel: "Oh come on, don't be ridiculous! Scaring everyone will only make things worse. Uhm ... Mr. Butler?"

Butler: "Please call me James, Sir."

Lionel: "Very well then, James. It looks like we'll have to stay here for a while. Can you please show us the way to our rooms?"

Butler: "I'm sorry but the rooms are not ready yet. I was just in the process of setting everything up when I heard the shots and the scream. But if you would be able to spare another five minutes, I can get your rooms ready in just a moment!"

Lionel: "Yes, please."

Butler: "Allright, Sir. If you would please excuse me, then ..."

Butler bows and leaves

Lionel (to himself): "What kind of twisted mind does it take to do something like this?"

Poke: "Scary or not, he must be still around ... or she!"

Mika (angry): "Are you too implying, that-"

Lionel: "No, no ... What Poke's been trying to say is that we don't know who it was."

Lori: "Yes ... when the murder was committed, each of us was in a different place."

Poke: "Yes, but only one of us spent any time alone with Lord Hesketh-Fortescue!"

Mika: "I was trying to help, goddammit!"

Lionel: "Calm down Mika, he is simply re-iterating the facts."

Mika: "Lionel, are you kidding? He's treating me like a criminal, and you're coming to his defense?"

Lionel: "But, he didn't say you're a criminal! He just said, that you've been alone with the corpse, and that's factually correct."

Mika: "So, what do you believe? Do you really think I could do something like this?"

Lori: "Well, you offered us a 'first-hand experience of murder' just a few minutes ago, don't you remember?"

Lionel (desperate): "Lori!"

Poke: "And you always hated the series! Everybody knows that!"

Lionel (desperate): "Hrrrgnn ... Poke! Shut up! Mika-"

Mika (sharp): "Answer my question, Lionel! Do you believe I could do something like this?"

Lionel: "Honey, this is a criminal investigation. It's not about belief. It's about the facts!"

Mika (furious): "Facts? Take your facts and stick them up into where the sun never shines! If you think I might have done it, you could at least admit it, you coward! And I thought you loved me!"

Lionel: "Mika, I ..."

Mika (crying hysterically): "I'll be in my room!"

Mika storms out Section A

Lionel: "But ..."

Mika storms back in the other direction

Mika (crying): "As soon as I find it!"

Mika storms out Section B

Lionel: "Mika, please! In a criminal case, until proven guilty, everybody is assumed ..."

Mika leaves the stage

SFX-0406 - door slam

Lionel: "... innocent. Ah ... drat."

Poke, Lori: "Bad timing."

Lionel: "Look who's talking!"

Lori: "Better look who was shooting."

Lionel: "What?"

Lori: "If you want to be sure about whether she did it or not, start investigating!"

Lionel: "She didn't do it! Well ... at least, I hope, she didn't do it."

Poke: "The first thing we need to do is to secure the evidence."

Lionel: "Oh well ... if you insist ... Maybe you'll find something that helps us calming her down. Go ahead, but don't touch anything!"

Poke: "Let's find out, from where the shots were fired."

Lori: "Yes! Just like in episode 348! We need to find the bullet holes in the furniture. Then we'll draw an imaginary line through the body, and then we'll know the direction where the shots came from."

Lionel starts looking around

Lionel: "Allright! Here, I found one of the bullets!"

Lori: "Okay, Lionel! Stand over there and take a bearing over the corpse. What do you see?"

Lionel walks over and looks

Lionel: "I see ... the window."

Lori: "Okay, let's check out the window."

Lori walks over to where the window is, leans out

Poke: "What do you see?"

Lori: "I see bullet casings lying in the grass. Eight of them."

Poke: "Very good! Now we know that the shots were fired from outside!"

Lionel: "Uh oh ... it's the window that Mika came in through ... isn't it? Darn ... we need more evidence!"

Lori takes a step back

SFX-0407 - ripping

Lori: "Ouch! My fur got stuck on something. Ewww! Someone put a strip of double-sided sticky tape across the window sill! That really hurt."

Lori comes back

Poke: "The victim was shot eight times and then hit over the head with a blunt object. Since the murderer was not inside this room, I conclude that the object must have been thrown at him."

Lori: "That means there is a good chance that this 'blunt object' is still here."

Lionel: "Yes, indeed! Look here, under the table!"

Lori: "Don't touch it! Leave it to the professionals!"

Lionel (outraged): "But I wasn't going to touch it!"

Lori: "I'll put it in this bag, so we can look at it."

Lori walks over and picks it up in a plastic bag, putting it on the railing.

Poke inspects the gun

Poke: "Mmmhh ... looks like a Furetta B22, a very small and lightweight handgun. It was very popular amongst security personnel."

Lori: "Uh oh ... Didn't Mika once work as a ..."

Lionel (sighs): "Bodyguard. Yes, that's correct. I don't believe it."

Poke: "Well, as you said earlier, Lionel, this is not a question of belief ..."

Lionel growls

Lori: "Yuck! The handle is full of blood."

Poke: "Strange, why did he throw the gun? The magazine of a Furetta holds nine rounds. He could have just fired another shot."

Lori: "I see hair stuck in the blood. It's black ... and white."

Lionel: "Well, a lot of people have black and white fur around here."

Lori sniffs the bag

Lori: "Umm ... Lionel ... this smells familiar."

Lionel comes closer

Lionel: "Give me that! I want to sniff it myself."

Lori hands over the bag to Lionel

Lionel sniffs

Lionel (getting desperate): "Oh no! Holy Shit!"

Lori: "What is it?"

Lionel: "This can't be! It's Mika's fur! This just CAN'T BE! We must be missing something!"

Poke: "Lionel, sometimes it's hard to face the truth."

Lionel: "What if the police comes tomorrow and sees this ... No! We must find out the truth! Start searching this place! From top to bottom! I'll join you later, but first I'll be on my way to Mika's room - if I find it! We need to have a very serious conversation."

Lionel leaves to Section B

Poke: "Okey dokey!"

Lori: "And good luck!"

Lights fade out

Lionel: "*sighs* Thank you, Lori. Thank you."

Lori: "Well, where do we start looking?"

Poke: "Mh ... I don't know."

Poke sniffs

Poke: "Wait, I smell something!"

Lori: "What is it?"

Poke (conspirational): "Foooooooood!"

Lori: "Ooooh ..."

Poke: "Follow my nose."

SFX-0408 - footsteps on wood 1

Poke sniffs

Lori: "What's behind this door?"

Poke (conspirational): "It's ... the kitchen."

SFX-0409 - very heavy door creak

Poke, Lori: "Wooooow!"

MUS-03 - Food, Marvellous Food